I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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