mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
