Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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