Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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