this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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