I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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