Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
