i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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