Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
