she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
