I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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