The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
