Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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