Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
