I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
