and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My penis needs a shock collar
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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