I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I didn't notice because vodka
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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