No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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