Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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