Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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