omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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