Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
