My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
