phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
