my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He passed out mid-signature
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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