im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
