Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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