I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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