Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
