Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
