Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
