we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
