i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
