i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
