there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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