i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
