I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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