omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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