I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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