Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
