Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
