Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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