Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
