No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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