So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
