I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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