Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
