Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
