Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
