I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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