Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
