she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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